Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Giant Leg.
So today I had surgery on my left leg. The jokey McSmurf doctor (who I love btw) decided to try to put me at ease and talk during my procedure. The statement "Wow you have really looong legs" was not what I wanted to hear as she was shoving a tube up one. I know completely gross! This is the first time in my life I have wished to be shorter well except for the year back in Junior High that I dreamed of being one of those cute little 5 foot nothing girls instead of a 5'9" awkward ostritch but that is neither hear no there. I am currently sitting with my leg wrapped in ace bandages and sporting a crotch high compression stocking making it several times larger than normal. It is hot and I know you are all jealous. It could be worse that is for sure. Well that is my exciting news for the day. I am on to my Christmas Card list. I may get them in the mail pre-New Year.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Shopping Wars
I felt the need to contribute this nugget spawed by Sarah's blog entry from the other day.
I hit up Les Marshalls last evening in Canton on my way for a desperately needed mani\pedi. I had been in over the weekend and had been eyeballing some flat black knee high riding boots. I instead left with some conservative J & D's to wear to a wedding shower. I couldn't forget about those boots as I am sure you taller girls can attest that finding a good flat can at times can be an epic battle.
Fast forward to Thursday, I was trying to figure out what to wear to my Holiday party scheduled tonight and thought the boots would be perfect so back to Marshalls I went. I entered with a direct purpose which was secure aforementioned black boots. I hit the shoe department and there she was, The Manipulator. I scooted around the corner of the first aisle of boots to see her smack in the middle blocking access to other shoppers while she picked through the inventory. She looked me up and down and became quite anxious when I was looking past her in search of the boots. She spun around and began scanning the shelves to see what I was trying to get to. I realized I had the wrong aisle and scooted over the the next. Just as I made it to the end of the aisle she came around whipping around the corner and attempted to put her carriage between me and the boot display I was already reaching towards (mind you there was only about 10 inches of space). I will not go in to the fact that people with carriages in the shoe department are a huge pet peeve of mine to begin with. She said "excuse me", smirked and inched her carriage forward, obviously delusional in thinking that I may possibly would move out of the way so she could move right in front of me. I was not going to be taken by this pathetic attempt to intercept the boots. I smiled and said "oh why of course and then proceeded to move so close to the shelving unit my ovaries were being squished into some aingers thus forcing her to proceed behind me. I pulled out my size (7.5 in case any of you would like to give the gift of footware) and she began talking aloud. Wow that is great price, nice leather. Annoyed I shoved my hoof into the left boot and tried to view it in the mirror, which she of course blocked. The manipulator was unyeilding but I was not about to fall victim. She then began some diatribe about me wearing trouser socks with boots, and wouldn't I wear thicker socks when actually wearing the boots around, and how it is best pratice to buy boots a size bigger. I did not engage as Mama didn't raise no fool. I knew I had grabbed the last in my size which must have also been The Manipulator's size. In her last failed attempt she tossed a thinly veiled insult my way by suggesting someone of my height usually has a larger shoe size and she was suprised I would only be a 7 and a half....I almost responded "Lady at 33 I think I know my shoe size now back off bitch" instead I bit my tongue rangled on my pump and headed out with my prize.
I hit up Les Marshalls last evening in Canton on my way for a desperately needed mani\pedi. I had been in over the weekend and had been eyeballing some flat black knee high riding boots. I instead left with some conservative J & D's to wear to a wedding shower. I couldn't forget about those boots as I am sure you taller girls can attest that finding a good flat can at times can be an epic battle.
Fast forward to Thursday, I was trying to figure out what to wear to my Holiday party scheduled tonight and thought the boots would be perfect so back to Marshalls I went. I entered with a direct purpose which was secure aforementioned black boots. I hit the shoe department and there she was, The Manipulator. I scooted around the corner of the first aisle of boots to see her smack in the middle blocking access to other shoppers while she picked through the inventory. She looked me up and down and became quite anxious when I was looking past her in search of the boots. She spun around and began scanning the shelves to see what I was trying to get to. I realized I had the wrong aisle and scooted over the the next. Just as I made it to the end of the aisle she came around whipping around the corner and attempted to put her carriage between me and the boot display I was already reaching towards (mind you there was only about 10 inches of space). I will not go in to the fact that people with carriages in the shoe department are a huge pet peeve of mine to begin with. She said "excuse me", smirked and inched her carriage forward, obviously delusional in thinking that I may possibly would move out of the way so she could move right in front of me. I was not going to be taken by this pathetic attempt to intercept the boots. I smiled and said "oh why of course and then proceeded to move so close to the shelving unit my ovaries were being squished into some aingers thus forcing her to proceed behind me. I pulled out my size (7.5 in case any of you would like to give the gift of footware) and she began talking aloud. Wow that is great price, nice leather. Annoyed I shoved my hoof into the left boot and tried to view it in the mirror, which she of course blocked. The manipulator was unyeilding but I was not about to fall victim. She then began some diatribe about me wearing trouser socks with boots, and wouldn't I wear thicker socks when actually wearing the boots around, and how it is best pratice to buy boots a size bigger. I did not engage as Mama didn't raise no fool. I knew I had grabbed the last in my size which must have also been The Manipulator's size. In her last failed attempt she tossed a thinly veiled insult my way by suggesting someone of my height usually has a larger shoe size and she was suprised I would only be a 7 and a half....I almost responded "Lady at 33 I think I know my shoe size now back off bitch" instead I bit my tongue rangled on my pump and headed out with my prize.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Crazy Dream
So say you had a crazy dream. You know the kind where you wake up a bit freaked out only to go back to sleep and continue the same dream almost from the place you left off....there is no spicey food, alcohol or recreational drug use involved.
I need a translation.
In my dream I came up on this carnival-like ride involving an airplane. I was going to be sort of the ride control person like the crazy one-eyed guy who makes the Himalaya ride go super fast so he can see you puke....I also neglected to mention that this airplane was not "ride-sized" but a full sized 747. I was given a list of details to execute the task of getting the plane to move back in forth in a slingshot type fashion at a 45 degree angle. I was not given all the details and was told to wait for the remainder of the information before commencing my job as Plane Captain. I sat and analyzed the ride for what seemed like a long spell and decided I could master it without any further instruction. So being cautious I asked the line of people queuing to board the plane to wait while I gave the first shot on an empty plane. I pulled this gigantic lever and the plane moved a few feet, similar to those kiddie rides outside supermarkets (the horse barely rocking). They booed me, so my husband who was looking on to this whole process yelled from the platform high above me "I think you need to crank it out a few notches to build momentum." I followed what proved to be his foolhardy advice, cranked the plane, pulled the lever and shot the full sized billion dollar plane off the ride chasis where it careened down into spikey Redwood Forest below finishing with a firey plume. I looked up and ridegoers were runing screaming and my husband said "You are completely F*cked" before he turned and fled.
I am dumfounded on this one....any ideas??
I need a translation.
In my dream I came up on this carnival-like ride involving an airplane. I was going to be sort of the ride control person like the crazy one-eyed guy who makes the Himalaya ride go super fast so he can see you puke....I also neglected to mention that this airplane was not "ride-sized" but a full sized 747. I was given a list of details to execute the task of getting the plane to move back in forth in a slingshot type fashion at a 45 degree angle. I was not given all the details and was told to wait for the remainder of the information before commencing my job as Plane Captain. I sat and analyzed the ride for what seemed like a long spell and decided I could master it without any further instruction. So being cautious I asked the line of people queuing to board the plane to wait while I gave the first shot on an empty plane. I pulled this gigantic lever and the plane moved a few feet, similar to those kiddie rides outside supermarkets (the horse barely rocking). They booed me, so my husband who was looking on to this whole process yelled from the platform high above me "I think you need to crank it out a few notches to build momentum." I followed what proved to be his foolhardy advice, cranked the plane, pulled the lever and shot the full sized billion dollar plane off the ride chasis where it careened down into spikey Redwood Forest below finishing with a firey plume. I looked up and ridegoers were runing screaming and my husband said "You are completely F*cked" before he turned and fled.
I am dumfounded on this one....any ideas??
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