Pearly White

As a fairly new "newlywed" I am discovering some startling behaviors demonstrated by my new husband. This is a bit disheartening considering we lived in sin "4-EVA" I know HELL, Fire, brimstone, Hades....etc. I think I covered it in confession the night before my nuptials. Moving on...

Take the other day for instance. My husband rang me to announce that he had viewed some online wedding pics and does not like the shade of his teeth. Hmm, maybe just maybe the cigars, daily diet soda consumption and incessant coffee drinking (damm you Keurig ) may be contributing factors. I was just saying. ...He tells me he wants to have his teeth whitened. Being the helpful wife I am I suggested he try out Crest White strips before heading over to a Bright Smile Center. I offered also to pick them up during my bi-weekly CVS run that night(also known as how to spend\waste $75 on cosmetics and beauty products). I bring the strips home and he decides to try them out after dinner. I am lying peacefully on our sectional reading my book, dog nestled on my feet and I hear CRUNCH-CRINKLE-CRUNCH coming from the other half of the couch punctuated with "WTF is up with these damm things". I look over to see my brilliant husband attempting to shove the white strip into his mouth plastic backing and all!! So much for directions, better yet so much for common sense. I burst out laughing and asked what the heck are you doing?!? This only exacerbated his frustration and he actually spouted "I TOLD YOU I am trying to WHITEN MY TEETH" Wow, call me kooky because from where I was sitting he looked more like a three year old jamming a plastic toy into his mouth and being wholly unsuccessful. I calmly explained how he needed to remove the strip from the backing first. He let out an exacerbated sigh as if this whole cluster was somehow my fault, peeled the strip and quickly shoved it in back in his mouth.....THE WRONG WAY. Picture the pinched face of someone who just bit into a lemon with far more drool. I innocently said he should slow down and pay a little more attention, he wasn't seeing the humor in that statement (much less the logic). Eventually a few minutes later he attempted again with a new strip. I bet the makers of crest white strips never imagined the amount effort and strife when designing their easy for 99% of the population product, not including husbands who are rushing and not paying attention because god forbid they remove their eyes from the plasma TV for the 45 seconds it takes to apply logic to movement. I think that run on sentence should be a warning label on the box or maybe a shout out to all other wives with foolish husbands.